#5 One down: Bad ass (3,9,9) The Treadwell Mysteries 24/06/11

'... on trial for a few days. See if they really are as good as you say and if they are, you've got a deal'. Simon was annoyed about the dramatic pause I had used which had lasted a full 7 minutes. I could understand his point. He had started to do the paperwork and had also phoned his wife to say he was finished and should be back later that evening and to take the casserole out of the freezer and he'd heat it up in the microwave when he got back. Looked like the casserole would have to wait. Welcome to The Treadwell Mysteries.

Simon agreed to my proposal and was clearly confident in the quality of the knives. He was worried though that if I left it too long before my decision I'd wind up dead and be no use to him. It was clear there was only one way to save myself. I would have to kill Darren. And possibly Simon. And probably the shark. And most likely the alternative version of myself. But most importantly Darren. He was the one trying to kill me after all. I just assume that after he's out the way, I'll have a taste for killing. A bitter taste. Welcome to The Treadwell Mysteries.

The van was wrecked and I wasn't about to walk all the way home. We had to find some alternative transport. Luckily I had a contact. During my time travelling I had met a being that could transport anything he liked, as far as he liked, whenever he liked. I had met him while enjoying a beer in a pub. He sat along the bar from me, unable to complete his crossword. 21 across, 9 letters, 'State of stupor in Spanish region banning Left for a short time'. No mystery there then. On my way to the toilet I lent over, 'the answer is Catatonia'. That's how you finish a crossword thicko. Welcome to The Treadwell Mysteries.

He would help. All I had to do was the secret call. I took out my mobile and dialled. The number was 999 but upside down and back to front. Apparently Satan was going through the courts to try and take the number away from him. I prayed that that hadn't happened yet. 'Hello, this is Kieran'. Dammit I thought,  that's Satan's first name as well. 'Kieran who?' I asked hopefully. 'Kieran Jones. Who is this?' Good news at last. Welcome to The Treadwell Mysteries.

Kieran agreed to come and get us. While we were waiting for him by the side of the road I had a thought. The best way to draw in Darren would be to have me and the alternative me in the same place. He wouldn't miss an opportunity like that. We would have to make a stop off at the police station and break me out. I sure as hell wasn't paying the £16.50 bail money and if the shark had a wallet on him, I didn't want to know where he was hiding it. I had the first part of a plan, a semi reliable mode of transport and a slight urge to put some trousers on. Welcome to The Treadwell Mysteries.