#4 Billy Goat Treadwell 20/06/11

The goat looked good. Not in a gay way but in a 'I like his suit' way. Does gay happen in bestiality? Or is it all fair game? Or do beastialiters who beastile an animal of the same sex get discriminated against worse? I'll ask this goat. Welcome to The Treadwell Mysteries.


He didn't know. In fact he had a few questions of his own. Were my legs a bit out of proportion with the rest of my body? Did I really come here with a shark who had his head deep in a washing up bowl? Why was I not wearing trousers? I looked up him up and down. 'Shut up goat' I said. And with the power of Shakespeare's own tongue I had answered all three of his questions. And two of my own. Welcome to The Treadwell Mysteries.


'You have come to me Treadwell seeking answers, I am correct yes?' He had a shrill voice delivered somewhere just beneath a shout. It didn't suit his jacket and I was wondering how he had asked the previous questions without me noticing it. Perhaps he did it without talking. Perhaps we had the shining. 'You need to explain what's going on goat, there is someone trying to kill me and I don't care for it' I thrust out a pointed finger to emphasise my point. It didn't work. Simon immediately laughed at the idea of my imminent end. I didn't think it was funny for obvious reasons. 'It is not just someone trying to kill you' he said, 'it is a fate much worse than just someone. My dear Treadwell, the person trying to kill you is... Darren!' Welcome to The Treadwell Mysteries. 

I had not a clue who Darren was so Simon the goat explained further. He was a man sized jelly fish trained by the government of his world to be a great assassin. His current assignment was the James Treadwell of their world who was important to the underground anti government movement. Therefore the movement, known as 'The Fist', had moved their James Treadwell to this world in order to hide him. Darren was a clever character however and had followed through the door in pursuit of his target. He was now intent on killing both Treadwells in order for there to be no mistake. It all made perfect sense. Welcome to The Treadwell Mysteries. 


'So why the kitchen knives?' I asked. Simon smiled at my observation. 'These are to sweeten the offer I have been authorised to make you. We would like you to come to our world, where, once there, you will be murdered by our government instead of the other James Treadwell. In return I offer you this set of 9 stainless steel kitchen knives presented in an oak briefcase'. It sounded like a terrible offer. The shark agreed. But they really were a fine collection of knives. Welcome to The Treadwell Mysteries.


Me and the shark were taking a few moments away from Simon to discuss the implications of going for the knives. The shark told me that in season 1 episode 13 of Knight Rider, Michael infiltrated the 'Corazónes de Piedras' who were dealing in the Nun X-19, a powerful new automatic assault weapon. Unfortunately he 'misplaced' the money he was to use to obtain the X-19 and all hell broke loose. This appeared to have nothing to do with our current predicament and wasted the time I had to think over my decision. The shark apologised but I don't think he meant it. There was no time. I needed to make a decision. 'Simon' I said, 'I'll take the knives...' Welcome to the Treadwell Mysteries.