Me and the alternative me lifted him into the bath and ran the water. Kieran went into the front room to check ceefax. He wanted to know the traffic as he had an airport run later that evening but I think he was lying. There had been two attempts on my life already and three's a charm. Or in this case, death. I needed a weapon. I had the knives but it seemed ashame to spoil them in this fashion. I wanted something that blew up. And possibly made a whistling noise. I ran into the bathroom. If 1980's family action TV had taught us anything it was how make a crude arsenal out of second hand household items. 'Shark' I said 'Shark. Talk to me'. But he wasn't talking and I knew it was too late. He was gone. But right now I had bigger fish to fry. Welcome to The Treadwell Mysteries.I stood and turned to face the window. There he was. I was locked in a face to face stand off with the jellyfish that was trying to kill me. He had the slightest grin on his face, satisfied, but a little tired, from his efforts climbing in through the window. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little impressed. 'You are a slippery one Treadwell' he said sizing me up. 'How ironic' I answered 'when in actual fact you're the one that's slippery because you're a jellyfish and you live underwater'. If it was to come down to a battle of wits, I already had the upper hand. Welcome to The Treadwell Mysteries.
He drew his gun and fired. I moved sharply to my right and, despite my earlier reservations, seized all nine knives in my right hand and threw every one in his direction. The bullet went flashing over my left shoulder and into my bathroom wall. Each of the nine knives went passed him without him even moving a muscle. 'You have used all your weapons Treadwell, and unfortunately for you, you missed'. I returned his brashness with a double handed forearm of confidence. 'Did I?' I said. And just then the cracks began to appear in the two thousand jars of urine that were piled up against my bedroom wall. The sheer panic of what was about to happen overcame Darren and before he had any chance of escape there was an almighty explosion of glass and liquid and he was soaked through with my warm and pungent penile discharge. 'I'm melting' he screamed, 'I'm melting'. This went on for 18 minutes. Welcome to The Treadwell Mysteries.
Darren was dead. The shark was dead. There was piss all over the carpet. And Kieran was on his way to Gatwick. It was all over. I sent the alternative me to put the kettle on and I sat down next to the bath. 'Oh shark' I said tickling his fin, 'I didn't mean for you to get caught up in all of this'. Suddenly, his eyes flickered slightly. I stepped back and they did it again. His tongue came out of his mouth and desperately tried to reach the fin I'd touched. 'It's the urine' I said to myself. Without hesitation I heaved his lifeless body out of the bath and flung him on to the sodden carpet in my bedroom. He began to flash signs of life, flapping around and writhing in ecstasy. He was going to make it. And the power of my urine to bring life and death asserted itself once more. A negative consequence of all the urine is that more and more sharks were climbing in through the window and 14 were now rolling around on my bedroom floor gleefully splashing one another in a strange and potentially sexual orgy of delight. Bastards. Welcome to The Treadwell Mysteries.I took the alternative me back to Simon. He was surprised to see us both alive and even more surprised that I was returning the knives. I hadn't mentioned that the were all covered in year old piss. 'Thank you Treadwell. You have done us a great service that the Fist will never forget. If there is anything we can ever do for you, please, do not hesitate to ask'. I smiled and thanked him. 'But seriously' he said, 'you need to say now because in a minute we are disappearing into an alternative dimension'. I was going to tell him not to worry but in the end I accepted £84 and a Pizza Express voucher. Then, without a goodbye, they both disappeared through the door. It had been a strange afternoon. But all things considered I had enough money to pay off my police fine and buy a sandwich. On my way to the police station though, I walked past a garden centre and spent all the money on seeds. Welcome to The Treadwell Mysteries.
